We are, and will always be, completely unique; yet we are all the same.
-Normal Abnormalities
Photo reblogged from with 137,601 notes
The Defibrillator Toaster
My mom would be so annoyed… every morning I would run into the kitchen screaming “WE’RE LOSING THEM!!! BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP!”
“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME, DAMNIT!!! NURSE, WE NEED 12 CC’S OF CREAM CHEESE, STAT!!!”
He’s bread, Jim.
Time of deliciousness: 7:15 A.M
If we don’t restart his heart , he’s toast!
JESUS CRUST.
JAM IT!
“Daddy’s in a butter place now, kids.”
I WASN’T EVEN GOING TO REBLOG UNTIL I SAW THE SHIT TON OF PUNS
HES BREAD JIM
BEST PUNS EVER.
HE’S BREAD, JIM.
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO TUMBLR IS KILLING ME TODAY
LOL
flawless.
i fucking love puns.
Source: secretsbest
Photo reblogged from killbane. with 300,164 notes
THEN RAISE THE FUCK OUT OF OUR KIDS!
AND GIVE YOU ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU’D EVER FUCKING NEED.
AND PAY THE HELL OUT OF THAT FUCKING MORTGAGE.
AND THEN WHEN THE GUTTERS ARE CLOGGED I’LL GET UP THAT FUCKING LADDER AND CLEAN THAT SHIT UP WHILE YOU STAND BY THE KITCHEN WINDOW COMICALLY JUDGING MY WORK.
AND THEN WE CAN VACUUM THE FUCK OUT OF OUR CARPET SO HARD THAT WE’LL HAVE TO GET A NEW ONE.
WE’LL WASH OUR CLOTHES SO GODDAMN FUCKING HARD. FORGET NO RINSE, WE’LL USE HIGH FUCKING SPEED.
BUY A FUCKING MINIVAN TO STUFF OUR BEAUTIFUL FUCKING BABIES INTO IT AND DRIVE THE FUCK OUT OF IT.
THEN WE CAN GO SOME FUCKING PARENT-TEACHER MEETINGS AND MEET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR KID’S TEACHER. THEN JUDGE THE SHIT OF HER IN THE CAR.
AND WE CAN THEN PILE ALL THE CHILDREN IN THE FUCKING MINIVAN AND GO TO THE STORE AND SHOP FOR GROCERIES SO HARD THAT WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO MAKE MORE THAN TWO TRIPS TO GET ALL THAT SHIT INSIDE THE HOUSE.
AND THEN COOK THE FUCK OUT OF OUR KITCHEN UNTIL WE HAVE NO FOOD LEFT AND WE FEAST ON THAT SHIT FOR FUCKING DAYS.
I WILL EAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR HOMEMADE COOKIES.
THEN WASH THE SHIT OUT ON THE DISHES TOGETHER UNTIL OUR ENTIRE HANDS GET FUCKING PRUNEY.
WE’LL WATCH OUR KIDS FUCKING GRADUATE AND MOTHER FUCKING TEAR UP LIKE THE BADASS BOSSES WE FUCKING ARE.
WE WILL GROW SO DAMN OLD TOGETHER, WE WILL LOOK LIKE FUCKING RAISINS.
I WILL FUCKING TELL YOU EVERY SINGLE SECOND HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVE YOU.
HOLDING EACH OTHER’S FUCKING HANDS SO HARD THAT WE SHIT OUR SELVES.
UNTIL WE DIE AND ROT AS MOTHERFUCKING CORPSES TOGETHER.
TIL DEATH DO US FUCKIN PART.
HAPPILY EVER FUCKING AFTER.
yes fucking please!!
Photo reblogged from Curves and Ink.. Corsets are good too... with 10,334 notes
Source: filthysexypretty
Photo reblogged from Bratty Tramp at your service with 174 notes
My girlfriend and her friend had been best-friends since college. She told me that they used to mess around with each other in college and she knew how hard it got me when she talked about it. I couldn’t believe it when my girlfriend suggested that I fuck her best-friend when she was over having drinks with us one afternoon. She brought it up so nonchalantly during our conversation too.
“You two should fuck,” she said out of the blue.
“What? No I couldn’t,” her friend replied.
“You should. You look good together! I think you’d enjoy it. He’s got a great cock and you know how much he likes your big tits!”
I sat there completely stunned at the suggestion. I had no idea that my girlfriend wanted to share me with anyone let alone her best-friend! She just looked at me and smiled shyly.
“Oh come on you two, I wanna see this,” my girlfriend said as she picked her friend up by the wrists and sat her down beside me. “Now go ahead and give him a kiss. He’s a really good kisser!” She pushed her head towards mine and we started kissing each other.
“See that’s not so bad now is it?” she said.
“No,” she said quitely.
I couldn’t believe how quiet and submissive she became. They were always quite loud together and she never really had any trouble standing up to her before. To see her so submissive was a real change in her personality.
“Now go ahead and take out his cock,” my girlfriend ordered.
She reached over and started slowly opening my pants. My girlfriend pulled off my pants as soon as she got them open and ripped off my underwear and shirt while she was at it. Her friend grabbed a hold of my hardening cock and she started to give it some slow licks along the length of my shaft.
“No bitch, suck on it!” my girlfriend said forcefully.
She put the tip of my cock inside her mouth and started sucking on it. Watching her sucking on my cock seemed to be turning my girlfriend on. She started undressing as she watched me getting a blow-job from her friend.
“You call that sucking?” she said as she grabbed her by the hair and pulled her head up off my hard cock. I could see the pain and fear in her friend’s eyes as my girlfriend pulled hard on her hair. “Now suck that cock!”
She forced her head down on my cock and I felt her start to gag on it. I had never seen this side of my girlfriend before and was in complete awe of the way she was domineering her friend.
“Suck that fucking cock you whore!” she growled at her. “You’re a cheap little slut now aren’t you?”
“MmmmmHmmmmm,” was all she could moan back to her as my cock was still being forced in her mouth by my girlfriend forcing her head up and down on me.
“Throat it, bitch! Take that big cock down your fucking throat! Swallow it you dirty whore! Swallow all of it!”
I felt my cock slide past the back of her throat and she choked down my cock. My girlfriend held her down on me until she could see the tears erupting from her eyes. Then she pulled her by the hair off my cock and grabbed her face.
“You love that cock, don’t you? You love sucking that cock of his, don’t you?”
“Yes,” she replied quietly as she gasped for her breath.
“Yeah, because that’s what sluts like you love most, isn’t it? You love cock, you dirty cock whore!” she said to her so sternly as my girlfriend grabbed my cock and started slapping it against her friend’s face.
“Oh yes!” her friend screamed.
“Yeah, dirty little cock whore loves getting slapped in the face with a big thick cock, doesn’t she?”
“Oh gawd, yes!” she screamed back.
“Stand up, you skank, and take your clothes off right now!” she ordered.
Her friend stood and slowly started removing her shirt. My girlfriend stood up and started ripping the clothes from her body.
“I said take off your fucking clothes, bitch!” she screamed at her as she started tearing and ripping the clothes from her body. I was completely floored by this act of domination and submission they had going on. I’d been dating my girlfriend for a while now and had no idea that she could be this way. I couldn’t help but get extra hard from watching her dominate her friend. When she was completely naked her friend stood in front of me with tears in her eyes trying to cover her naked body.
“Don’t hide your body from him! Your a whore show off your slutty body! Isn’t that what a dirty whore does? Let him see your big tits!”
She slowly dropped her arms to her sides revealing her body to me. I’d always checked out her body and breasts before but this was the first time I’d seen her naked. Her breasts were fuller than I ever thought they could be and her nipples were thick and hard. Her curves were so sexy and her body was already starting to sweat.
My girlfriend grabbed her big tits and held them up for me.
“Do you like them, honey?”
I smiled back to her in approval and was amazed at how her voice changed to the sweet innocent voice that I’d become so familiar with. She turned her gaze back at her friend and gave her nipples a hard pinch and twist. Her friend’s face winced as she cried out from the pain. She raised her hand and slapped her friend’s tits hard.
“Now bend over and show him that ass, slut!”
She did as she was instructed turning around, and bending over the couch. My girlfriend started rubbing her friend’s pussy with one hand and slapped her friend’s ass hard with her other hand. She slid a finger inside her wet pussy and pulled it out. She stood her friend up again by pulling on her hair, and forced her wet finger into her friend’s mouth.
“See how wet you are slut! He hasn’t even rubbed his cock against you yet, and you’re already dripping wet you fucking whore!”
She forced her back down again and said, “Now he’s gonna fuck that slut pussy of yours, and you’re gonna cum all over it aren’t you?”
“Uh huh” she whimpered back.
“AREN’T YOU?” she screamed as she slapped her friend’s ass hard!
“YES!” she screamed out.
“That’s right, because what are you?”
“A slut,” she said so quietly I could barely hear her reply.
“What? I couldn’t hear you!”
“A slut,” she said a little louder.
My girlfriend grabbed her by the hair and slaped her face, “You’d better answer me properly!” she screamed at her pointing her finger in her face.
“A SLUT!” her friend screamed back.
“That’s right, you cunt, and don’t you fucking forget it!”
She looked right in my eyes and said with a smile, “C’mon babe, come and give her that big cock of yours!”
I stood behind her friend and rubbed my cock along her pussy. I couldn’t believe how hot and wet she was. I decided to be a little more dominant myself and gave her pussy a few good spanks with my cock. My girlfriend looked at me and smiled devilishly as her friend moaned with each slap. My girlfriend reached around and gave her ass a few good spanks. Then she grabbed both of her ass cheeks and spread her wide. I pushed my cock inside her and listened to her friend moan loudly.
“You like that cock don’t you?”
“MmmmmHmmmm,” her friend moaned back to her.
I started sliding my cock in and out of her harder and faster. My girlfriend leaned up against me and kissed me passionately as I fucked her friend. Her friend started to moan louder and louder as my cock worked away inside her.
“That’s it slut! Take that big cock of his!” she said as she slapped her ass.
“Oooohhhhh” she moaned.
“Yeah you like that don’t you, slut?” she asked as she spanked her ass again.
“Ooooohhhhhh” was her only reply.
My girlfriend reached over and grabbed her by the hair and pulled on it hard forcing her head back. She reached between her friend’s legs and played with her pussy. She stretched out her fingers so she could feel my hard cock sliding in and out of her friend’s wet pussy. She spread her fingers wide to spread her friend’s pussy lips wide and let my balls slap against her friend’s clit.
My girlfriend gave her friend’s hair another hard tug and said, “You like his big cock fucking your cunt, you whore?”
“Oooohhhh” she moaned back.
“I said, do you like it? Answer me cunt!”
“Oh gawd yes!” she moaned back.
“Yeah you like his big balls slapping against your pussy don’t you?”
“Oh yes!”
She took her fingers and shoved them into her friend’s mouth, “Taste it, bitch! Taste your fucking juices!”
She pulled her hand out and slapped her friend’s face again, “You’re such a whore!”
At this point, I started giving her friend the fuck of a lifetime. I slapped her hard on the ass and listened to her cry out. I grabbed her by the hips and fucked her as hard and deep and fast as I could go. She moaned loudly from the pleasure and I could feel her starting to cum. our bodies were all sweaty and my girlfriend kept talking to her.
“You’re gonna cum now, aren’t you, you dirty whore! You’re gonna cum all over his big cock, aren’t you? I can see it in your face you filthy slut!”
“oh fuuuuucccckkkkk!!” her friend screamed back as she tightened up around me. I was so close to cumming myself but I didn’t want to ruin things. I wanted to see just how far this game my girlfriend was playing was going to go. Her friend’s pussy was so tight though and it took all of my efforts not to blow my load.
“OH GAWD, I’M CUMMING! UUUUUUUNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!” she cried out.
“That it slut! Cum on his cock! Cum all over his big cock, cuz that’s what sluts like you do!” my girlfriend said as she pulled on her hair and smacked her face a few more times. Her juices squirted out all over me and I could feel them running down my legs and covering my balls. She thrashed around and screamed out from the pleasure.
“You know what he’s gonna do to you now?” my girlfriend asked.
“No?” she replied.
“He’s gonna fuck that slut ass of yours! You want his big cock in your ass?”
“Yeeessss,” she moaned back.
“Yeah, of course you want that big cock of his up your ass, you fucking whore!” my girlfriend said as she pulled and pinched on her nipples.
“OOOOhhhhhhhh” she moaned as my cock continued to fuck her pussy. “Ohhhhh ffffuuuucccckkkkk!!!” she moaned even louder and I could tell she was going to cum again. I spanked her ass hard and reached up to pull her hair with one of my hands while holding her hip with the other. “Oh Oh OHHH! UUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!” she moaned as she climaxed again.
I waited until her orgasm subsided and then pulled my cock out of her and spanked it on her pussy again. Her body shook with each spank of my cock and I could feel it quivering from the orgasm she just had. I started rubbing myc cock against her again this time sliding it between her ass cheeks when my girlfriend interrupted me.
“No,” she said, “Get over here and feed this slut her fucking skank juice!”
I walked around to her face, my cock bouncing in front of me. My girlfriend took my cock in her hand and turned her friend’s face to me. She slapped my cock on her friend’s face while her friend held her tongue out for me. She rubbed my soaked cock all over her fave and then forced her to take me down her throat again. Her friend gagged on my cock more than once as my girlfriend made her swallow the entire length.
“Lick all of your skank juices from his cock you fucking whore! Lick it all off cuz that’s what you are, isn’t that right?”
“MMmmmmHHmmmmm” she moaned back with a mouthful of my cock and tears running down her face again.
My girlfriend pulled her by the hair and she choked back every breath as she tried to catch her breath again. “What are you?”
“A slut!” she gasped back before being forced to take another mouthful of my cock.
“A WHAT?”
“A DIRTY SLUT!” she cried out before she was forced down on my cock again.
“And you like being a dirty slut, don’t you?”
“Yes!” she cried back as my girlfriend pushed her head down on my cock again.
“You like being a filthy whore, don’t you?” she asked as she spanked my hard wet cock on her tongue and face.
“Oh gawd, yes!” she answered gasping for breath.
“And sluts like you love geting fucked in their ass, don’t they?”
“MMmmmmmm,” she moaned back.
My girlfriend looked up at me and said, “Now go fuck her in the ass!”
I headed back behind her and positioned my cock.
“Spread your ass for him,” she ordered.
She reached behind and grabbed her ass cheeks and spread them wide. I slowly pushed my cock inside her opening hole.
“Uuuuuunnnnnnn!” she moaned out. “It’s so big, it hurts!”
“You like that don’t you, slut?” my girlfriend said.
“Uuuuuunnnnnnn!” she moaned as I slowly continued to push my cock deeper inside her ass. “Oh fuck me, he’s so fucking big!”
My girlfriend grabbed her by the face and forced her to look at her, “Listen bitch, you’re gonna take it all and you’re gonna like it!”
She adjusted her position as I pushed myself deeper until I was all the way inside her. I held myself there for a moment. I never fucked anyone up the ass before, not even my girlfriend, and here I was balls deep inside her best friend. It was so much tighter than any pussy I’ve fucked. I slowly started to pull out again and all she did was moan. My girlfriend kept a good hold on her friend’s face and kept looking at her.
“Now he’s going to start fucking your ass hard and you’re going to be a good anal slut and take it, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” she gasped back.
I started to fuck her tight ass as my girlfriend climbed underneath her. She stopped to give her tits a bit of a suck and then she bit down hard on her nipples.
“Oooooooohhhhhhhh!” she cried out from the pain.
My rhythm became harder and faster and she started to moan from the pleasure. My girlfriend climbed even farther down on her and slid her fingers inside her pussy.
“Oooohhh shiiitt!” she cried out from the feeling of her pussy getting stuffed and her ass getting fucked. I could feel my girlfriend’s fingers working away inside her as my cock slid in and out of her tight ass.
“That’s right you little slut! I know you like having both holes filled, don’t you?”
“Uuuuuunnnnnn!” she moaned back.
I continued fucking her ass while my girlfriend finger-fucked her pussy. Her friend put her head down between my girlfriend’s legs and started licking her pussy.
“Oooohhhhhh” my girlfriend moaned. “You dirty cunt, you love pussy too, don’t you?”
“MmmmmmHmmmmmm,” she moaned back.
I thrusted my cock hard and fast as I watched my girlfriend getting eaten out. It was such a turn-on to see her best-friend sucking on her pussy and I could barely contain myself as I fucked her best-friend’s ass. My girlfriend wriggled and moaned as she continued finger fucking and licking her friend’s pussy.
“Ooooh, eat that pussy you dirty slut!” she commanded.
“Mmmmmmmmmmmmm,” she moaned in response with a m
I spanked her friend’s ass again and again as my cock pumped in and out of her ass.
“Oooohhhhh” I heard as my girlfriend moaned. “Fuck, lick that pussy, you slut. Make me cum!”
My girlfriend moaned louder and louder as her hip grinded against her friend’s face. She was the one to cum first from the pleasure of her friend’s tongue lapping away at her.
“Oh shit, Oh shit, Ooooohhhh sssssshhhhhhhiiiiiiiiitttttt!!” her friend screamed as she was the next to cum either from my cock fucking her in the ass or from my girlfriend’s relentless fingering, or both.
“UUuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg!!” she grunted out as I could feel her cumming all over again. Her ass tightened up even tighter and got me ready to shoot my load.
“Oh fuck, Oh fuck, I’M GONNA CUM,” I shouted.
“WAIT,” my girlfriend shouted back, “Feed it to this little slut!”
She pulled herself off me and turned around. My girlfriend stayed underneath her and watched as her friend reached up and stroked my cock hard and fast.
“Shit! UUuuuuuuuunnnnnnngggggggg!!” I groaned as my cock exploded with thick cum! Load after load of cum streamed out of my cock landing all over her friend’s face and into her open mouth. My girlfriend caught a few streams of my warm cum on her face as well but it didn’t seem to matter any because she grabbed her friend’s face and started licking my cum off her.
Her friend stroked my cock and milked it of every drop of my cum making sure to lick everything she squeezed out. They both moaned and licked my thick cum off each others faces. My girlfriend looked up at me standing there with my spent cock and said, “So would you fuck her again?”
“Oh yes!” I said.
“Hear that,” she said to her friend, “He likes fucking sluts like you!”Happy Animated Weekend Everyone!
Photo reblogged from Kittie Cupcakes with 73,621 notes
Phil, this wasn’t fucking amateur hour. PEOPLE DIED BECAUSE OF YOUR LACK OF SUPERVISION. THERE WERE RAPTORS ALL UP IN THE KITCHEN PHIL. IN THE GOD DAMN KITCHEN.
YOU HAD ONE JOB PHIL. ONE JOB.
Still funny!
Photo reblogged from Partyrehabb.com - The Best Party Blog Around! with 1,327 notes
Source: dedicationtakesballs
Photo reblogged from peachinthemix with 1,388 notes
Everything about this is awesome!
Source: candykush
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